What Your OITNB Character Crush Says About You

Having withdrawal symptoms from your favourite prison show? This’ll tide you over.

You all know how the old saying goes! You can tell a lot about a person based on their favorite Orange is the New Black character… Or, at least, we’re definitely making that a thing now.

With about THREE WHOLE MONTHS until the latest season of Orange Is The New Black hits our screens, we thought we’d try to analyse what your #PrisonCrush says about you.

Whether you’re crushing on a member of Spanish Harlem or Red’s Family, here’s what we know about your personality, according to your ideal prison inmate.

#1 Nicky Nichols

As a Nicky fan, you’re someone who values the vulnerable side behind a person’s carefree exterior, although you find it hard to expose your own.

You relate with getting through a complicated past, as well as the act of using things like humour — and even unhealthy habits — as coping mechanisms against it. You’re the type to crack a joke during an otherwise serious situation.

You’re open about your sexuality and often flaunt your sexual liberty, but deep down you have an aching desire to be in an intimate, romantic relationship with a special someone.

#2 Taystee

You tend to put a lot of importance into loyalty towards your friends and those who you consider family. While usually a positive trait, it can also give you poor judgement and prompt you to make rash decisions.

However, you’re also a natural leader figure amongst groups, even though you don’t always like others looking up to you.

Taystee fans are highly intelligent, as well as being what you would call a “people person”. Your personality is ambitious, outgoing and can occasionally be incredibly stubborn, which can and does set you back sometimes.

#3 Brooke Soso

Those who root for Soso are those who strive for activism, and fighting for what you believe in.

You can often get very emotional, and some might call you melodramatic, but when push comes to shove, you’re determined to not let anyone deny you the right of emotion.

Despite your unapologetic character, your emotions also make you have many moments of weakness. Deep down, what you really want is to have a sense of belonging, for people to like you, even though it’s not always easy for you to achieve that.

#4 Alex Vause

You, much like Alex, have a dominant, confident personality around many people — but, most likely, that didn’t always come naturally to you.

You believe it’s important to be straightforward with others, and you try your best to not care what others think about you. But despite this, you can be very quick to get defensive and angry regarding attacks towards your actions.

On the other hand, you’re not a trustful person. You’re often haunted by your past mistakes, but you strive to learn from them and do your best to not repeat them.

#5 Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren

Fans of Suzanne’s character are familiar with the struggle of being socially awkward. You know that you can often come off too strongly, or get so overwhelmed that it causes a sudden outburst from you.

You’re a very imaginative person and will often turn to creative outlets in order to express yourself.

Although your heart is in the right place, you have trouble fitting in with the crowd. But overall, what you most seek to find in the world is understanding from others, although it’s not always easily found.

#6 Big Boo

Whatever you do and whoever you are, you own it apologetically. You refuse to be ashamed of your actions or your identity, or let anyone take away your right to express yourself.

Unfortunately, your confidence often turns into arrogance. Although you can spare a joke at your own expense — and more often, others — you think highly of yourself and everyone knows it.

Your response to people hurting you or members of your community will usually be intense anger. Despite all of this, your personality is humorous, fun and often charming.

#7 Flaca

While many people may underestimate you, you have big dreams and can often surprise others with your innate determination to succeed.

You dream of making a name for yourself in the world, but your self confidence sometimes fails you and holds you back from going for your goals.

You can be a pretty judgmental person and often laugh at the expense of strangers, but when your own loved ones are in trouble, you prove to have a big heart and intimate attachment to those close to you.

#8 Piper Chapman

Let’s face it. This one’s just here for kicks. Nobody actually likes Piper. 


Did we miss any of your favourites? Let us know!

Written by Natalie Maza

I’m Alie, your friendly neighbourhood queer Latina! Between juggling freelance writing and graphic design school, I spend a surprising amount of time looking at memes. You can find me at @alieangeles on Instagram.

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